Stock Market Gas Prices

Gas Prices fluctuating like the stock market is BULLSHIT!!!



Now I'm not talking about gas prices being high, we all know that is BULLSHIT!  When you buy gas, everyone knows who's getting screwed!  Me and you!  I'm talking about the gas prices that change daily like it's the fuckin DOW JONES!

Now everyone has their gas station that you go to.  It's the same one that you drive by everyday going to work and coming back from work.  You drive by every morning and gas prices are up.  Shocker!  But here's the BULLSHIT that really pisses me off.  Nobody told me that I would have to be a daytrader in order to not get fucked on gas prices. 

Scenerio #1:
I drive by my gas station in the morning, gas is $3.59 a gallon.  I'm thinking, "I still have a quarter tank, I'll just wait until tomorrow."  So tomorrow comes and I drive by, still $3.59 a gallon.  Well, tank is getting a little lower, but I'm still holding out.  I'm willing to bet that it will drop a couple of cents and then I will buy it on my way home.  I'm a regular daytrader, look at me.  I'm going to hold out and buy low.  But here in lies the gamble.  Because on the flip side of the coin, it could go up and then you're screwed!  But I'm feelin lucky, so lets do this shit, I'm pushin the envelope!  So lunchtime rolls around and some coworkers are going out to eat, I ride along.  We go by the same gas station as we go into town.  We round the corner, I look up and YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!  $3.49 baby!  Daddy's a high roller tonight.  I'm telling everyone in the car how I almost stopped this morning for gas and how I had a feeling it would go down.  Others in the car are saying how they bought gas this morning and are pissed that they didn't wait.  HAHA, it's a good day.  So we return to work, finish the afternoon and I'm heading home.  When I take off, my gas light in my car comes on.  I'm thinking "Just in time."  So, I drive to the same gas station on my way home, round the corner and I look up.........$3.61 a gallon..........MOTHERFUCKER!!!  ARE YOU SHITTIN ME!?!  What fuckin terrorist attack or Gulf Hurricane did I miss this afternoon?  Did we bomb some oil field halfway round the planet while I was working?  What THE FUCK is with the roller coaster stock market gas prices?  TOTAL BULLSHIT!

Scenrio #2:  (One week later)
I drive by my gas station in the morning, gas is $3.59 a gallon.  I'm thinking, I still have a quarter tank, but I'm not getting fucked like I did last week.  I pull in and fill 'er up.  Go to work, finish the day and head home.  I drive by the same fuckin gas station on my way home, round the corner and look up.........$3.47 a gallon..........REALLY!?!  AGAIN!!!  FUCK YOU GAS STATION!!!   

Scenrio #3:  (The next day)
I drive by my gas station in the morning, gas is $3.47 a gallon.  Bought gas yesterday, I have a full tank so I'll pass.  I drive by my gas station the next morning, gas is $3.47 a gallon.  Don't need gas.  I drive by my gas station the next morning, gas is $3.47 a gallon.  Don't need gas, still have half a tank.  I drive by my gas station the next morning, gas is $3.47 a gallon.  Don't need gas.  I drive by my gas station the next morning, gas is $3.47 a gallon.  Don't need gas, have a quarter tank.  I drive by my gas station the next morning, gas is $3.47 a gallon.  Don't need gas.  Leave work that afternoon, gas light comes on.  Drive by the gas station on my way home, look up.....$3.64 a gallon.  WELL, KISS MY DICK!!

I swear the oil companies have a trained psychologist on staff that teaches them these marketing tactics.  They train the gas stations to break you down psychologically by fucking you several different ways each and everyday.  You get fucked by the gas station every other time you drive by it, pretty soon you'll just pull in and buy gas no matter what the price, just so you don't have to deal with the psychological warfare.  Your like, "Am I getting the best price?  What if I wait a day, it could go down.  Oh shit, but it could go up too.  What if I buy it here and the next station is cheaper?  What if I don't buy it here and the next station is more expensive.  Fuck, I better just pull in and buy gas now."  And that is where they've got ya, by the balls.  You have no fucking way of even coming close to guessing what gas prices are going to do.  It would be easier to forecast the weather than to guess at gas prices.  You could have fuckin degree in Statistics and you would be like, "Fuck this, I'm just gonna buy it at the first place I see!"

It's always a psychological game that they play with gas prices.  If gas is at $2.50 a gallon and you buy it and then it goes to $2.80, your like "I wish gas was $2.50 again, that was awesome when it was $2.50."  Then they lower it to $2.70 and it's like "Well, that's better than $2.80."  So you buy the shit out of it.  Then they raise it to $3.10 and your like "This blows."  But you continue to buy the shit out it.  Then it goes up to $3.60 and your like "Remember when gas was $3.10, that was fuckin awesome!"  Then they drop it a little to stop the bitching and you buy the shit out of it.  Then raise it to $4.25 and that $3.60 was lookin like a hell of a deal, wish we had that back.  Pretty soon gas it $7.75 a gallon and your saying "Remember when gas was $7.00 a gallon, those were the days, wish gas was $7.00 again."  They mind fuck you into thinking that $7.00 was the deal of the century, then they drop it back down to $7.00 a gallon and people are filling up tankers full it thinking that they'll never see gas prices this low again.  I smell BULLSHIT!

It's sad, but true.  If you look at this picture and the first thing you notice is a fuckin plane crash, then you haven't bought gas in a while!



Until they invent a car that runs on fuckin salt water, you need gas to get to your job so you can make more money, so you can buy more gas so you can keep driving to your job.  It's a vicious cycle and that is fine, I'll deal with that, but the everyday changing of the gas prices has got to stop.  Since I can't pour ANY ol' liquid into my gas tank to make my car go, I have to buy stupid gasoline and play their stupid fuckin games.  If I wanted to play the stock market, I would.  Don't make me guess at stupid shit that I buy on a regular basis.  If I had to work this hard to find the best price on toilet paper everytime I went to a store......I'd say "Fuck it" and wipe my ass with a handful of leaves out of the yard.

Cause playing the stock market when buying gas is BULLSHIT!!!

e-mail Hacking

e-mail Hacking is BULLSHIT!!!

Somewhere in a small room in his parents basement is a fuckin nerd with his button up shirt and his pocket protector in, staring at a computer screen laughing while he finishes his last bowl of romen noodles.  He's laughing cause he just finished writing code for a virus that will eventually be passed around and hack my e-mail account, sending out e-mails to every one of my contacts. 


You motherfucker!  I hope you fall asleep late one night from writing thousands of line of code and your fuckin hard drive overheats, catches fire subsequently causing you to burst into flames.  And as you run around the room with your fuckin head on fire, I hope you think about one thing.......hacking my e-mail account.

I don't know who to be pissed at more, the basement nerd or Microsoft for their horrible fuckin account security.  I mean, are you telling me that it's 2011 and we still can't fight internet terrorism any better than this.  Some asshole living under a rock somewhere with a lot of spare time and a internet connection can get into people's e-mail accounts and go hog wild.  Come on people!  What are we working on that we can't find a solution to this?  Oh yah, I forget that there are more important issues like designing the next great iphone app or a new feature for your Facebook wall.  Give me a fuckin break!  If anyone could come up with a solution for this BULLSHIT I guarantee you that everyone with a computer would pay for it and that fucker would be rich.  But no, what does that guy do with his spare time?  He writes programs and embeds viruses and worms on people's PCs so they fuck shit up.  And then the dumbass isn't even making any money by offering a solution to the problem.  At least when you get a malware virus, they are trying to sell you the "fix" for it.  Not these cocksuckers.  They just fuck shit up, that's all, just tear shit up, it's fun for them. 

These dicks have no interest in contributing to society.  They spend their days tucked away in dark rooms writing their next virus so they can be assholes like the guys who used to pick on them in high school.  Fuckin grow up and go get a job at OfficeMax or somethin' you lazy fucks!  At least then when I go in to buy printer paper and you count back my change, you can feel like you've really done something with your life.  Writing viruses behind closed doors gets you no recognition.  At least come forward and claim your prize, so we all know who's ass to beat, you little fuckin weasels!

The worst part is that they send out stupid shit in their e-mail hacks like this:



A fake Canadian drug company who sells "cheap" Viagra and Cialis.  Really!?!  Well I'll tell you right now you dumb fuck, you are barking up the wrong tree.  You might as well be trying to sell me cheap tampons cause I'm not buying.  I got a couple of these sent to me from friend's e-mail accounts that got hacked and didn't think anything about it.  Then mine gets hacked and they send this Viagra BULLSHIT to every e-mail account contact that I have and they all think I am pushing big dick pills over the internet.  Well fuck you!

Here's the thing, you can send this shit to me all you want, I have a delete key.  But when you send this shit to my grandma through my e-mail account, then we have some fuckin problems.  This is the point when I was hoping your hard drive would catch fire.  Again, I don't think my grandma needs big dick pills either.  And my former bosses or high school friends probably don't want Cialis, so quit wasting your time and find a real fuckin job.  Yah, that sounds like a good plan.  Go get a job, save up some cash, go to CarMax, put a down payment on a '98 honda civic, get it tuned up, get on Google maps, find the nearest body of water, take Saturday off and drive there, find a cliff overlooking the water, accelerate to a rapid speed and launch your dumbass off in it with the fuckin windows down....cocksucker!


Cause you hacking my e-mail is BULLSHIT!!!

AT&T U-verse Customer Service

AT&T U-verse Customer Service is BULLSHIT!!!

I fuckin heart U-verse TV and the gateway that comes with the system has a built in wireless modem that I can pickup with my laptop with excellent connection speed.  U-verse SERVICE is awesome.  That is not what we are talking about here.  I love my U-verse TV and internet.   Moving on to Customer Service.

Before we dive into this thing, here's three things about the U-verse Customer Service (UCS) that I like:
1.  Not based out of India.  Thank you AT&T for not jumping on this fuckin train.  If UCS was based out of India, I wouldn't be writing this right now cause I would of killed myself long ago.
2.  You don't have to press 1 for English.  Holy shit!  It knows that I am an American and can speak the native tongue.
3.  You don't have to spend 6.5 hours on hold before anyone talks to you.  Two thumbs up.

BUT............that is where it ends cause once that person answers the phone on the other end it's a fuckin crap shoot.  The dildos that answer the phone for this company are complete idiots.  You expect to call in and hear a voice on the other end that brings images of this to mind:


Instead when I call in, I feel like this is who's on the other end:

I mean fuckin seriously, sometimes you get people that "read the screen" like a robot, others who hack-n-cough in the mic on their phone, and still others who would better humanity by washing windows on a street corner somewhere. 

These assholes always treat you like you have never touched a piece of electronic equipment before.  Hey UCS, you ever thought that the person on the other end of the phone, particularly ME, might know more than you ever thought about knowing when it comes to electronic systems or electrical gadgets in general?  No you haven't?  Well you should, cause the next time I call in and you describe to me in great detail what a network cable is and how to unplug it from the wall, I might fuckin snap, take the cable out of the wall, find you and beat you merciless with it.  I mean come on, if you don't know what a network cable is or a wireless modem is, then you probably don't know how to use your remote and shouldn't have the service anyway! 

Save me the BULLSHIT and when you answer the phone, ask one simple question, "Sir, on a scale from 1 to 10, how strong would you rate your technical knowledge?"  I would reply, "Probably a 9."  They would say "Oh, so I don't have to speak to you slowly like you have some sort of mental disability?"  I say, "No, you don't, I know some shit."  Then they would say, "OK, so we can skip the kindergarten BULLSHIT and actually get to the root of your problem."  I say, "Ya, lets do that."  Pretty simple. 

Instead I call in two weeks ago and have no TV or internet service, and the first fuckin thing the guy asks me is "Do you know where the gateway is located in your home?"  I say, "Why, are you going to have me reboot it, cause I already tried that."  He says, "Well, we are going to reboot it again."  Oh well shit, I beat that does it.  Why didn't I think of that?  Dumbass!  But he can't think for himself cause the computer screen in front of him says to have the customer reboot the gateway.  So until we do that, he can't move to the next screen with more instructions for the dummy, so I do it.  Here's the deal though, rebooting the gateway takes like 15 mins, literally.  15 mins I don't want to spend on the phone listening to Malcom breathe heavily into his mic.  That is why I eliminated that problem from the beginning.  I also tried resetting the cable boxes at each TV.  That did nothing.  But here is the biggest clue of all, on the gateway there is a light that is usually green and says "Service".  On my box the light is red.  Hum.......I wonder if red means it's working?  Probably NOT asshole!  So after 47 mins of his BULLSHIT screen instructions he is all out of guesses and schedules a technician to come to the house, but he can't come until Sat Morning from 8am to 1pm.  How bout 46 mins ago when I told you that rebooting the gateway did nothing and there is no service light on, you schedule it then, dick for brains.  Then I still have 45 mins of my life back and don't have to know that Malcom has some sort of wheezing issue.  And a five hour window two days from now is a bunch of BULLSHIT!  If I would of hung up the phone and started studying the manual that the technician learned from, I could of fixed it myself by Friday morning. 

So after I get off phone, I found out from three other neighbors that their service is out too.  I also find out that there is a U-verse repair truck down the street at the fiber optic hub. 



Well, well, so I call back into UCS to ask them if this truck is working on something that could potentially fix my service as well and then I could cancel the Saturday appt.  Here is what they said, not shittin, can't make this shit up.  "Um, well sir, we have no way of knowing what the service technicians are working on in the field."  WHAT!  WHAT THE FUCK!?!  Are you serious!?!  Did you just say that?  Yes, you just said that.  Holy shit!  You are telling me that there are thousands of U-verse trucks just driving around aimlessly and no one knows where there are going or what they are doing?  For being one of the largest providers of communication on the fuckin planet you guys don't do a whole lot of it, do ya?

They don't have a fuckin clue, so I do it the old fashion way and walk down to the guy at the hub and simply ask him if what he is working on will probably fix my house as well.  He said yes and asked what house was mine and he would tell me when anything changes.  This was the nicest guy you could want to meet.  About an hour or so later, he can down to tell me I should have service again.  We checked and yes we do.  You are fuckin awesome random tech guy.  I asked him what gives with the UCS people and not having a fuckin clue as to what goes on in the field.  This is what he said.  "Those guys don't know their asses from holes in the wall."  Well put.  Coming from the guy who has to deal with these numbskulls everyday, I'd say he is probably spot on. 

So today I wake up and same thing happens, no service and no service light.  So I call first thing and tell them it is the same situation that happened two weeks ago and they need to see if it is a repeat problem.  The guy on the other end says, "Sir, do you know where your gateway is located in your home?"

OH KISS MY ASS!  Cause AT&T U-verse Customer Service is BULLSHIT!!!

Glitter Cards

Glitter Cards are BULLSHIT!!!



Picture this, you come home from a hard day at work.  You walk down to the mailbox to pick up the mail, you look in and see some hand written addresses on the cards.  You think, that's nice grandma remember your daughter's birthday.  So you carry the mail back into the house and gather everyone around.  You tell her "Grandma sent you a birthday card, wasn't that nice?"  "Lets open it." 

BIG mistake, cause as soon as that envelope tears open....................

KA-FUCKIN-BOOM!!!



A fuckin glitter grenade explodes in your hand.  HOLY SHIT! Get down!  Glitter rains from the sky, as you race for cover.  It's getting harder to breath, but you stay down for a while cause you don't know if it's over.  Suddenly, the glitter clears from the air and after a minute or two of silence, people who heard the screams from down the block are walking up to see if your alright, but it's too late.



"Holy shit, what happened to them?" 
"They got a glitter card in the mail."
"Those poor bastards!"

Later you're in the shower trying to wash the shit off. 

It ain't happening, you'll be finding glitter on shit until her next birthday.  Fuck you glitter!  OK, maybe I exaggerated, but if you've ever opened a glitter card, you know that it's BULLSHIT!  I'd welcome getting Dan Rather's envelope full of Anthrax before I open another fuckin glitter card.  I'm not sure I am making my point, I FUCKING HATE GLITTER CARDS! 

To start with, how do they get so much fuckin glitter on one card?  Is there a quota on glitter for each card?  Did the boss at Hallmark walk in and say "That doesn't look like enough glitter on that card, it's not going to make a big enough mess.  Better add more."  Which leads me to my next question.  How come when the cards are on the shelf at the store you don't see glitter all over the floor of the card isle?  But when that fucker gets mailed to your house and you open it..............

...it looks like Tinkerbell took a glitter shit on the hardwood floors. 

I'm gonna blame the post office.  I know that the glitter was all on the card when it left the store, but when it gets to my house in the mail, two-thirds of it is in the bottom of the envelope.  The post office has to have a machine that detects the glitter cards, kicks them out to a seperate area in the back, puts them in a machine that shakes the shit out of 'em, and then they mail them.  You sick bastards!

But they aren't the only assholes here.  What kind of cheap-ass glue are these card companies using to hold the glitter on with.  I thought Elmer's glue was the shittiest glue on the planet.  But somehow Hallmark tracked down Elmer's retarded cousin Lester and are buying glue from him or something.  I mean, this shit they use makes Elmer's glue look like fuckin liquified granite.

The worst part is that there is no fuckin warning.  When you get a card for ANYONE in the mail, you better check that shit out!  Cut a little slit in the side and peak in there, it's worth your time.  If not, you better know that shit is just waiting in the bottom of the envelope, like a fuckin glitter ninja, ready to come flying out and attack everything in sight.  Don't say I didn't tell you so when you spend the next 2 hours cleaning glitter off shit.  The bad part is that you can't sweep glitter up, you have to vacuum it, it's total bullshit!  You can sweep all fuckin day and you won't get it all.  You'll be walking through the house three weeks later and the light will hit just right and there it is........little specks of glitter all over everything.

So here's the deal card making assholes:  Either include a "Warning: Contains Glitter" sticker for the shipper to put on the envelope or include a coupon for 80% off a new vacuum, ya dicks!

Cause Glitter Cards are BULLSHIT!!!

Mixed Metric System

Mixed Metric System is BULLSHIT!!!



Take a hard look at this map.  The countries in red......those countries are the only countries in the ENTIRE world that don't use the metric system.  The U.S., Burma, and Liberia.  That is it.  That's right, the U.S. is hangin in there.  We're like "Fuck you rest of the world!  We won't conform to this bullshit system that the ENTIRE remainder of the planet uses.  You know, minus Burma and Liberia."  Burma?  All I know about about Burma is Rambo went there to fuck some guys up in his last movie.  Where the fuck is Burma and Liberia?  Who knows and without looking at a globe for half an hour, you wouldn't know either!

As Americans, we are used to this shit by now, but if you step back and look at it from a common sense perspective, your like, what the fuck!?!  Try to stay with me here. 

You go the store and walk to the dairy dept for milk, you pick up a gallon of milk.  Then walk to the next isle for pop and pick up a 2 Liter of Dr. Pepper.  Walk to the juice isle and pick up a 128 oz bottle of OJ.  (Side Note:  128 oz is a gallon, so why not list that first on the fuckin bottle, idiots!?!)  Walk over to the liquor dept and pick up a 6 pack of 12 oz bottles, 750 mL bottle of wine, and a fifth of whiskey.  A fifth?  A fifth of what?  Cause a fifth of a gallon is 757 mL and the bottle says 750 mL.  I think someone owes me 7 mL.  Heading over to the hygiene dept, you pick up a 250 mL bottle of mouthwash.  Then, as your in line to check out, you think I would like to enjoy some Dr. Pepper now.  So you reach into the mini fridge and pull out a 20 oz bottle. 

WHAT THE FUCK! 

Ever heard of some standardization?!?  Get your shit together committee that picks fluid containers, cause your making my fuckin head hurt, assholes!  That is just the beginning, too. 

Look at the Nutritional Facts on the side of the boxes of food:

The serving size is in cups (with grams secondary) and then facts like sodium and protein are in grams only.  Are you shittin me!?! 

What about recipes? 

"Use a tablespoon of butter and a tablespoon of salt".  SHIT, i got butter all over the tablespoon already, I'll just use the teaspoon.  How many teaspoons are in a tablespoon?  Two?  NO, its fuckin three, how queer is that?!?  Three?  Who comes up with this BULLSHIT!?!

Some people haven't embraced the digital world yet and still buy 35mm film for their cameras.  But when you go to print the pictures you get 4x6 inch prints.  Whatever, you fuckin dummies!

Ever bought tires before?  Holy SHIT!  The tires on my car are 235/60-17.  That's 235mm for the tire thread width and 17 inches for the diameter of the rim.  Do you want my head to explode?  Whoever decided this is a fuckin dummy, plain and simple.  Don't get me started on fasteners.  My car's engine was built in China, the transmission is from Japan, and it was assembled in Canada.  What kind of foriegn piece of shit is this you ask?  It's a fuckin Chevy, the heartbeat of America!  This thing is littered with a mix and match of standard and metric fasteners.  Fuck you Chevy and kiss my ass!

Moving on.  Lets go shoot some guns!  OK, I'll grab my .45 pistol, you grab your 9mm.  Or I bring my .30-06 and you bring your 7.62mm.  How bout we just stay home instead.  Sounds good.

How bout we go running?  Where?  Downtown.  Ok, I'll drive.  We get in my car a drive 70 miles per hour to get downtown, which is 17 miles away, but when we get there we are running a 5K race.  5K?  How many miles is that?  Fuck, I don't know, let me get my calculator!  What the fuck country are we in?

Hell, drug dealers are even confused.  They buy kilos of drugs and then break 'em down to sell them by the ounce or they buy them buy the pound and sell them by the gram.  These are drug dealers!  Aren't they suppose to be stupid?  Maybe I should have went to school where they did, cause if I had to convert back and forth all day I would lose my ass selling drugs!

Pounds and Ounces, there is some shit that really pisses me off.  First of all, who came up with oz as the abbreviation for ounces, Snoop Dogg? 

Yah, dog, that's a OZ fo'shizzle, my bizzle. 

And lb is for pound?  Really?!  You are aware that pound starts with a "P" and ends with with a "D"?  OH!  It's Latin, the language no one speaks anymore, I see!?! Then if that isn't bad enough, there are ounces and then there are fluid ounces.  You measure a glass of water in fl.oz.  Well, what if I put the glass of water in the freezer overnight and pull it out?  Now what asshole?  Is it fluid ounces or just ounces, HUH!?!  Kiss my ass!

All of this wouldn't piss me off so much if the metric system didn't make so much fuckin sense. 

Metric Units for weight:

1000 mg = 1 gram

1000 g = 1 kg

1000 kg = 1 metric ton

What do we do?

437.5 grain = 1 oz

16 oz = 1 lb

2,000 lb = 1 ton

16 tons = Another day older and deeper in debt.  (Had to throw that in.)

Metric Units for length:

10mm = 1cm

100cm = 1m

1000m = 1km

What do we do?

Two 1/16's = 1/8

Eight 1/8's = 1 inch

12 inches = 1 foot

5,280 ft = 1 mile

76 miles = the distance I would walk if I could punch the asshole in the throat that came up with this shit!

Oh well, we'll just convert between the two.  That should be easy enough, right?

1 cm = 0.3937 inches

1 gram = 0.035 ounce

1 foot = 0.305 meters

1 kilogram= 2.205 pounds

1 mile = 1.609 kilometers

Well...........look at all those nice round numbers, no fuckin wonder most Americans are horrible at math and fuckin hate it.  We spend three hours trying to figure out how many kg are in a fuckin pound so we can convert to units that the rest of the planet uses.  Let's see, carry the 7 and divide by the square root of pi = BULLSHIT!

The only reason that we don't adopt this like the rest of Earth is because France spearheaded the metric system movement back in the day.  It's like listening to your wife's directions while driving the car, it's the last thing a man wants to do if he is lost.  And we'll be damned if we do anything that France does.  And I primarily blame that on Toby Keith.  If you ain't America, you ain't shit!  Ain't that right Toby?  Yah!  Stickin boots in people's asses!  Yeehaw!  Hey, Toby, quick question, where's Liberia?  That's what I thought, shut the fuck up dummy!

I don't have a problem with not using the metric system, but if we are giving the rest of the globe the middle finger, then DO IT and quit half-assin it!  Quit letting the metric system swim the river and jump the border like a bunch of illegal aliens.  Are we going to use it or not?  Shit or get off the pot! 

Cause this mix and match buffet of units is BULLSHIT!!!