YWKWB LETTERS: Dear Boise State

Dear Boise State,

Your football field fucking SUCKS!  Every time I try to watch your games on ESPN, the train wreck that you call a field fucks with my eyes and makes me want to throw up!  Stop it already with the fuckin bright blue football field!  Even in HD the first down markers and line of scrimmage are all fucked up on my TV and it makes watching any of your games a chore.  Grow some of the regular grass......you know, FUCKIN GREEN and knock it off with the cute blue field that you so dearly refer to as "smurf turf".  Every time I hear smurf turf, it makes me think of Smurfette's bush.  It's fucking queer and getting old and your uniforms blend in cause they are the same color as the field!  It's like watching a hunter walk through the woods in full camo.  You know he's there, but you can't quite see him.  Here's an idea I"ll just toss out there, hows bout putting in some orange and blue chairs in the stands like every other team does with their stadium and stop fucking with the color of grass, cause your blue field is BULLSHIT!!!

Regards,
YWKWB

Black Friday

Black Friday is BULLSHIT!!!




They say that the molecule in turkey, tryptophan, can make people feel drowsy after turkey dinner.  When ingested, tryptophan is converted to serotonin, which is a hormone responsible for making people feel good. But, serotonin does not only make us happy, it also makes us calm and relaxed, and in some cases sleepy. 

Well........all I can guess is that these motherfuckers didn't eat enough fuckin turkey!!!



HOLY SHIT!  I must be missin out....FUCK!  What did I miss?  Are they giving away bundled up hundred dollar bills?  Shit, I knew I should have woke up at 3:00am and went down to Target.  Wait a minute....is that a digital camera?  That is what everyone is dying to grab up!?!  A fuckin digital camera?  You mean like the one that I have built into my cellphone?  That digital camera?  It's not a new type of camera that, like, spits out $20 dollar bills every time I press the button is it?  Cause now I am REALLY kicking my self for not waking up at 3:00am to do this.................



If I had only rolled out of bed at 3:00am, I could have a camera that spits out $20 dollar bills every time I press the button and that wou..........wait what?  You're saying it doesn't spit out $20 dollar bills every time the button is pushed.  Well then it must do something really cool, like if I pres...........no, your saying no it doesn't do anything special.  It is just a camera?  That is it?  

Well then......YOU ARE ALL FUCKING...........RETARDS!!!

I haven't seen these many fucking idiots lined up for stupid shit since American Idol came to town.

There must be a reason that ALL these fucking idiots show up to one place at the same time to buy digital cameras and flat screen TV's.  OH, I see!  The digital camera is 20% OFF.  Holy SHIT!  Deal of the century, where are my car keys, I have to get down there.



FUCK ME!  Are all these fucking idiots trying to get cameras, too?  How many cameras did they say they would have?  A pallet of 50!?!  That is it?  But why would they only bring 50 in if they knew that all these people would want one?

I'll tell you why......Supply and Demand motherfucker!  Pretty simple business concept, you might have heard of it.  If Walmart brings in 300 cameras, people could just stroll in and maybe take a look around and eventually make their way over to the electronics and pick themselves up a digital camera.  Walmart might not sell them out then and they might be left with 157 cameras that didn't sell.  BUT.........if they only bring in 50 and put it in the paper that they will only have 50..........idiots will be on them like a Somalian on a steak dinner.  Guaranteed sellout.

Yeah, fat ladies will punch each other in the face for stupid shit like this:



Here's the deal......Why do you have to save all of your money in one day?  Quick thought, how bout you cut back from 2 packs of Camel no filters to one a day and take that $1275.00 you would save and go buy whatever the fuck you want on a Tuesday afternoon when you can actually walk around the store and shop?  Or stop buying your cafe mocha at Starbucks every fuckin day and take that $1275.00 and get online and find the best price on a quality digital camera.  Cause the Coby Digital Camera you just bought is a piece of shit!  Just a thought dumbass!

Next time you want to camp out in front of Walmart for your $68 Lexmark printer, have a look at what could easily happen to you.


Here's the deal, I would gladly pay twice what they are asking for their shit if I can sleep in on friday and not be anywhere near this:







Fuck Grandma, there are only 17 cameras left!

Nothing like old ladies getting trampled to death to get you in the spirit!

Everyone together:  "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas......"

Black Friday......what a load of BULLSHIT!!!

 

FACEBOOK Friends

FACEBOOK Friends are BULLSHIT!!!



Let me start out by clarifying, I do NOT have a Facebook page nor will I be getting one in the near future.  I have no fuckin use for Facebook.  I'm not saying that Facebook doesn't have its uses.............Hang on, I'm trying to think of one.......give me a minute......or 60. 

Facebook has fuckin exploded, no doubt.  Everyone has Facebook.  "Facebook me" people say.  "Follow me on Facebook".  "Follow US on Facebook".  "Did you see her Facebook status?"  "Look what they wrote on my Wall".  I can't go the store for milk without hearing someone say the word "Facebook" or seeing that stupid fuckin blue square. 

But even all that I can live with.  What I can't live with are the fuckin idiots that count their friends and base social status by how many so-called "friends" they have. 

They might say.....
"I have over 600 friends on Facebook!"

Here's the thing dipshit, I don't know 600 people, and if your honest with yourself, you don't either.  If I did, I wouldn't remember all their names, you know why?  Cause their NOT my fucking friends, they are acquaintances.  I don't have 600 friends, you know why?  CAUSE THAT'S TOO MANY FUCKIN FRIENDS, THAT'S WHY!!!  I don't have enough time on my hands to hang out with the 15-20 people I would consider friends right now.  What the fuck would I do if I had 600 of them.  I would have to quit my job just to have enough time to spend with them to continue our friendship.  Who the fuck would claim to have 600 friends?  A fuckin loser, that's who.  The person in school that had NO friends, but talked to everyone in the school and ran locker to locker the last day of school trying to get everyone to sign their yearbook.  A person who truly only has 2 friends, but got online and sent invites to every fuckin person that they have EVER met.  Everyone they went to High School with, everyone they work at the Walmart with, and everyone that knows someone that those people know.  I mean give me a fuckin break.  The people that get the invites feel like they have to accept it cause they knew that person in High School and would feel guilty if they didn't accept it and that person killed themselves. 



News Flash:  You don't have 600 friends, you have 600 acquaintances.  That means you have met that person at least once and/or were formally introduced to them inside a social setting.  That does not mean that you are now friends.  When the waitress comes up to my table at a restaurant and says "Hi, I'm Mandy and I'll be your server tonight".  I don't run home and Facebook her just because we have been introduced.

If someone tells you they have 600 Facebook friends, here is what they are really saying:

200 of them are people they met once.
125 of them are people they partied with once.
75 they went to High School with.
50 are friends with one of their friends.
50 are coworkers.
30 are friends of their parents.
20 are people they went to Band, Math, or Space camp with.
5 they have had sex with.
5 are milestone accepts so they could break the 200 or 350 friend mark.
25 are friends that they have their phone number, but haven't talked to since college.
and 15 are ACTUAL FRIENDS!

It's all a numbers game.  It's like when you were a kid and you were playing Super Mario Brothers and you get the high score.  What do your friends do?  They try to beat it.  Same thing on Facebook, people are just trying to get the next high score.

Mary:  "How many friends do you have?"
Susan:  "I'm up to 523!"
Mary:  "Oh, well I have 614".
Then Susan runs to the computer and tries to think of people she has meet, maybe even once in her life, that she can invite to start to try to beat Mary's "high score".



Here's the deal, we are throwing the word "friend" around pretty fuckin loosely these days.  A friend is someone that you could call at 2:30 in the morning drunk off your ass and that person would come and pick you up.  A friend would come over and help change the spark plugs in your car.  A friend is someone that knows your fuckin birthday without a pop up reminder from a stupid website.  A friend is someone that has your phone number and you have theirs.  A friend is someone that you have talked to in the last six months, and I mean actually talked to, like using your mouth with words and sentences.  Those are friends.

Just like cell phones totally fucked my chances of ever remembering another telephone number, Facebook is turning friends into a number that you never hear from unless you read where their status says they are pregnant or got a new job.  That is shit that people used to call and tell you.  You know on the phone.  The phone......ya that thing you type on......it also makes calls. 

So next time it's your "friends" birthday, pick up the fuckin telephone.  And if you don't have their phone number....they're NOT your friend.  Erase them from your high score and try again. 

Cause Facebook "Friends" are BULLSHIT!

Car window stickers

Car window stickers are BULLSHIT!!!



I don't know why, but car window stickers piss me off!  I mean why do people have to force their lives on me when I drive behind them on the road.  There are tons of bullshit stickers that people put in their windows, but some are just fuckin annoying!  It was hard to narrow the list to a few, but these are the ones that I see more often than others and are just plain BULLSHIT.


Baby on Board signs are fuckin stupid.  What exactly are the purpose of these?  Is it to let me know that you have a baby in your car so I won't ram you off the road.  Cause I was totally gonna fuckin plow into you on the highway, but at the last second I say the yellow diamond letting me know that you have an infant somewhere in your car.  If you didn't have that sticker I was gonna just jerk the fuckin wheel and ram your ass into the next bridge embankment.  That was the best investment your family could of made otherwise it was going to be a slaughtering.  Give me a fuckin break.  So the other humans in the car didn't matter until the new human was born and the warning is posted so now your car is safe?  BULLSHIT!

How bout these fucks that have this stupid bullshit on their car like they are part of a exclusive club.  A club so exclusive they is has abbreviations that no one knows.  LP?  What is that Liquid Propane?  Little People?  Large Pussy?  Wait, there is something under it.  Let's see if I can drive a littler closer and read this shit........OH!  Lake Placid.  You know , where the giant alligator ate all those people in the movie.  I gotcha.  It's fuckin stupid, but I gotcha.  Who are these assholes that feel like we need to abbreviate everything.  Since we text stupid shit like WTF, LOL, and OMG, I have to try to decipher your fuckin puzzle sticker on your car?  You know the first thing that comes to mind when you say LP..........Lake Placid.  I'll wait for that one to catch on dumbass.



Hey look, I'm immortalizing my entire family in stick figures, pets included!  Well isn't this great!  Now everyone will know a little about the fam even if we don't give a fuck.  This is great cause now I know that Pete and Tina met in a bar and hooked up and had Izzie and Jonah, and then bought Merlin and Tigger for their kids.  Isn't that great?  Here is a few things that this sticker does.  Say a child molester spots your kid at the park, you pick them up in your van with the queer sticker on it and he follows you home.  Now he knows where you live, how many people are in the house, what everyones name is and if you have any pets.  You gave him all that with one fuckin sticker, idiot!  Sometimes this sticker comes in handy when I'm driving down the highway and some asshole in front of me is doin 61 in a 70.  Then when I pass them, I can go "Hey, Pete nice drivin asshole!"  Or, "Hey Pete, who taught you how to drive, Tina?"  It has it's uses.

This one is bullshit for the same reasons as the abbreviated sticker above.  Only here's the deal,  I'm not the fuckin dog whisperer.  I don't know all the breeds of dogs just by looking at their silhouettes.  At least the LP sticker told me what the fuck it was talking about.  This is a pile of fur with four legs under it.  I'm suppose to first, know what the fuck dog this is and second, pull up and ask it's name?  Dog owners!?!  I don't get this bullshit, but whatever.



This sticker is for the asshole who actually takes the time to learn Mac OS and carries around his stupid notebook with the fuckin glowing apple on it.  If that wasn't enough, he thinks that you give a fuck about his preference on computer systems.  I couldn't possibilty give a fuck if you prefer to search for your gay porn on a Mac or a PC.  This is the same asshole you see in your local wifi coffee shop playing World of Warcraft with his pretend friends.  He also goes home every night a checks his Match.com profile only to find no hits again before he starts writing his HTML code for the digital girlfriend he created.  And to this guy I say...
<html>
<body>
<h1>My First Heading</h1>
<p>Fuck you and your stupid apple sticker<p>
</body>
</html>

And then there are these assholes.  Who came up with this BULLSHIT?  What is this an AM station that I'm not aware of?  Is it the driver's IQ, cause that would make sense.  Oh, I see....it's how many miles are in a full marathon.  Well at least it's a nice round number.  Lets see here, if 3.1 miles is a 5K, then 26.2 is.........a 42.195K?  That is some fucked up shit.  This all goes back to the mixed up metric system that I talked about.  I would really like to know of all the assholes that I see with one of these on their cars, how many ever actually ran a marathon?  Cause I can buy a sticker and slap it on my car, too.  Big fuckin deal.  My other question is if there are 26.2 stickers, who are the pussies putting 3.1 stickers for their cars?  That is not what I would be bragging about.  Maybe it's their kids GPA, who gives a shit.

All those stickers are bullshit, but the worst is when they pair up two or three of this fuckin things on one car.  Those fuckers that tell you their kids and dogs names, let you know they own a Mac, and in their spare time they like to run 3.1 miles for no reason.  Those fuckers I would like to plow into a damn bridge embankment.........you know, unless there's a Baby on Board.

Cause your window stickers are BULLSHIT!!!

When Neighbors Move Away

Neighbors moving away is BULLSHIT!!!


So a month ago my neighbors next door let us know that they are moving back to their hometown in a month cause the husband took a job back there.  He said he needed a new town for his new start...........he's selling VCR's in Arkansas at a Walmart.  I think that's what he said......I wasn't really listening after they told us they were moving and for some reason all I could hear was a piano playing and Collin Raye singing in the background.

I mean they just dropped a bomb on us, those sons-a-bitches.  It sucks too, cause they were really cool neighbors.  They moved up here like a year an a half ago and we hit it off right away.  You can always tell when you're going to get along with people right off the bat.  It was good times.  They were from small towns just like us, we both had kids, they like to do the same things and had crazy stories of shit they've done just like us.  We could talk about anything and everything from nutty-as-a-squirrel turd moms to colostomy bags.


P.S. - watch out for drunk Mexicans in bars in the south.

So, yea these weren't your run of the mill everyday boring wool sock wearing neighbors.



These were cool-as-fuck hang out every night and grill out all the time put the kids to bed and get drunk together neighbors.  You don't find those everyday, ya know?  These were neighbors that we would sit out in the yard and drink like it was fuckin dessert every night.  Just sit out and enjoy the weather, yell at the kids to get out of the fuckin street, and drink beer.  You can't pick your neighbors they say, but somehow if I could I would of picked these. 

Now its all changed.  They packed their shit, slapped it in a truck, and hit the fuckin road.  They're gone.  Tail lights fading off in the distance.  The only thing I have to remember them by is a used trampoline and some blue hospital towels.  I really don't think they have thought all this through though.  There is all kinds of shit they are going to miss. 

Where they are moving....the nearest Waffle House is like 10 miles away!  Now when they are all drunked up at 2:00 in the morning good luck finding that motherfucker!  Our Waffle House is like a half mile away.  Jackass!  Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Sandwich......Bitch!!!  What are they thinking?



And the county that they are moving back to is a DRY COUNTY!  Are you fucking shitting me?!?!?  A dry county?  What is this, 1926?  Hey Hempstead county!  Fuckin news flash!


Dumb fuckin rednecks!

And I don't know who is going to feed their fucking wart-toed dog when they go to the beach?  I mean who the fuck else can make 47 pieces of dog food last for a week?  I submit no one!




And what the fuck are they going to do with that snow shovel they bought at Lowes, ya dumb sumbitch?  Didn't think that one through, did ya dipshit!?! 


Now ya got this fucking snow shovel just sitting around doin nothing!  Maybe you can scoop wart-toed dog shit out of the yard, I don't know!

Didn't think about all that shit, did ya IGNERT......BASTERDS!

I guess its for the best.  I was gettin tired of hanging out on the back deck, grillin dinner, and watchin the kids jump on the trampoline as the sun dropped behind the trees and me finishing my 8th beer.  Shitty moments like that make me wonder why I haven't moved yet? 

But now they are gone.  The house next door is empty.  So is my beer fridge..........and right now I don't really see a reason to go buy more.

Oh well...............I guess I'll just go for a drive or somethin cause my cool neighbors moved away and that is BULLSHIT!!!

I'm chillin' on a dirt road,
Laid back swervin' like I'm George Jones.
Smoke rollin' out the window,
An' ice cold beer sittin' in the console.
Memory lane up in the headlights,
It's got me reminiscing on them good times.................