Let me start out by clarifying, I do NOT have a Facebook page nor will I be getting one in the near future.  I have no fuckin use for Facebook.  I'm not saying that Facebook doesn't have its uses.............Hang on, I'm trying to think of one.......give me a minute......or 60. 

Facebook has fuckin exploded, no doubt.  Everyone has Facebook.  "Facebook me" people say.  "Follow me on Facebook".  "Follow US on Facebook".  "Did you see her Facebook status?"  "Look what they wrote on my Wall".  I can't go the store for milk without hearing someone say the word "Facebook" or seeing that stupid fuckin blue square. 

But even all that I can live with.  What I can't live with are the fuckin idiots that count their friends and base social status by how many so-called "friends" they have. 

They might say.....
"I have over 600 friends on Facebook!"

Here's the thing dipshit, I don't know 600 people, and if your honest with yourself, you don't either.  If I did, I wouldn't remember all their names, you know why?  Cause their NOT my fucking friends, they are acquaintances.  I don't have 600 friends, you know why?  CAUSE THAT'S TOO MANY FUCKIN FRIENDS, THAT'S WHY!!!  I don't have enough time on my hands to hang out with the 15-20 people I would consider friends right now.  What the fuck would I do if I had 600 of them.  I would have to quit my job just to have enough time to spend with them to continue our friendship.  Who the fuck would claim to have 600 friends?  A fuckin loser, that's who.  The person in school that had NO friends, but talked to everyone in the school and ran locker to locker the last day of school trying to get everyone to sign their yearbook.  A person who truly only has 2 friends, but got online and sent invites to every fuckin person that they have EVER met.  Everyone they went to High School with, everyone they work at the Walmart with, and everyone that knows someone that those people know.  I mean give me a fuckin break.  The people that get the invites feel like they have to accept it cause they knew that person in High School and would feel guilty if they didn't accept it and that person killed themselves. 

News Flash:  You don't have 600 friends, you have 600 acquaintances.  That means you have met that person at least once and/or were formally introduced to them inside a social setting.  That does not mean that you are now friends.  When the waitress comes up to my table at a restaurant and says "Hi, I'm Mandy and I'll be your server tonight".  I don't run home and Facebook her just because we have been introduced.

If someone tells you they have 600 Facebook friends, here is what they are really saying:

200 of them are people they met once.
125 of them are people they partied with once.
75 they went to High School with.
50 are friends with one of their friends.
50 are coworkers.
30 are friends of their parents.
20 are people they went to Band, Math, or Space camp with.
5 they have had sex with.
5 are milestone accepts so they could break the 200 or 350 friend mark.
25 are friends that they have their phone number, but haven't talked to since college.
and 15 are ACTUAL FRIENDS!

It's all a numbers game.  It's like when you were a kid and you were playing Super Mario Brothers and you get the high score.  What do your friends do?  They try to beat it.  Same thing on Facebook, people are just trying to get the next high score.

Mary:  "How many friends do you have?"
Susan:  "I'm up to 523!"
Mary:  "Oh, well I have 614".
Then Susan runs to the computer and tries to think of people she has meet, maybe even once in her life, that she can invite to start to try to beat Mary's "high score".

Here's the deal, we are throwing the word "friend" around pretty fuckin loosely these days.  A friend is someone that you could call at 2:30 in the morning drunk off your ass and that person would come and pick you up.  A friend would come over and help change the spark plugs in your car.  A friend is someone that knows your fuckin birthday without a pop up reminder from a stupid website.  A friend is someone that has your phone number and you have theirs.  A friend is someone that you have talked to in the last six months, and I mean actually talked to, like using your mouth with words and sentences.  Those are friends.

Just like cell phones totally fucked my chances of ever remembering another telephone number, Facebook is turning friends into a number that you never hear from unless you read where their status says they are pregnant or got a new job.  That is shit that people used to call and tell you.  You know on the phone.  The phone......ya that thing you type on......it also makes calls. 

So next time it's your "friends" birthday, pick up the fuckin telephone.  And if you don't have their phone number....they're NOT your friend.  Erase them from your high score and try again. 

Cause Facebook "Friends" are BULLSHIT!

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