AT&T U-verse Customer Service

AT&T U-verse Customer Service is BULLSHIT!!!

I fuckin heart U-verse TV and the gateway that comes with the system has a built in wireless modem that I can pickup with my laptop with excellent connection speed.  U-verse SERVICE is awesome.  That is not what we are talking about here.  I love my U-verse TV and internet.   Moving on to Customer Service.

Before we dive into this thing, here's three things about the U-verse Customer Service (UCS) that I like:
1.  Not based out of India.  Thank you AT&T for not jumping on this fuckin train.  If UCS was based out of India, I wouldn't be writing this right now cause I would of killed myself long ago.
2.  You don't have to press 1 for English.  Holy shit!  It knows that I am an American and can speak the native tongue.
3.  You don't have to spend 6.5 hours on hold before anyone talks to you.  Two thumbs up.

BUT............that is where it ends cause once that person answers the phone on the other end it's a fuckin crap shoot.  The dildos that answer the phone for this company are complete idiots.  You expect to call in and hear a voice on the other end that brings images of this to mind:


Instead when I call in, I feel like this is who's on the other end:

I mean fuckin seriously, sometimes you get people that "read the screen" like a robot, others who hack-n-cough in the mic on their phone, and still others who would better humanity by washing windows on a street corner somewhere. 

These assholes always treat you like you have never touched a piece of electronic equipment before.  Hey UCS, you ever thought that the person on the other end of the phone, particularly ME, might know more than you ever thought about knowing when it comes to electronic systems or electrical gadgets in general?  No you haven't?  Well you should, cause the next time I call in and you describe to me in great detail what a network cable is and how to unplug it from the wall, I might fuckin snap, take the cable out of the wall, find you and beat you merciless with it.  I mean come on, if you don't know what a network cable is or a wireless modem is, then you probably don't know how to use your remote and shouldn't have the service anyway! 

Save me the BULLSHIT and when you answer the phone, ask one simple question, "Sir, on a scale from 1 to 10, how strong would you rate your technical knowledge?"  I would reply, "Probably a 9."  They would say "Oh, so I don't have to speak to you slowly like you have some sort of mental disability?"  I say, "No, you don't, I know some shit."  Then they would say, "OK, so we can skip the kindergarten BULLSHIT and actually get to the root of your problem."  I say, "Ya, lets do that."  Pretty simple. 

Instead I call in two weeks ago and have no TV or internet service, and the first fuckin thing the guy asks me is "Do you know where the gateway is located in your home?"  I say, "Why, are you going to have me reboot it, cause I already tried that."  He says, "Well, we are going to reboot it again."  Oh well shit, I beat that does it.  Why didn't I think of that?  Dumbass!  But he can't think for himself cause the computer screen in front of him says to have the customer reboot the gateway.  So until we do that, he can't move to the next screen with more instructions for the dummy, so I do it.  Here's the deal though, rebooting the gateway takes like 15 mins, literally.  15 mins I don't want to spend on the phone listening to Malcom breathe heavily into his mic.  That is why I eliminated that problem from the beginning.  I also tried resetting the cable boxes at each TV.  That did nothing.  But here is the biggest clue of all, on the gateway there is a light that is usually green and says "Service".  On my box the light is red.  Hum.......I wonder if red means it's working?  Probably NOT asshole!  So after 47 mins of his BULLSHIT screen instructions he is all out of guesses and schedules a technician to come to the house, but he can't come until Sat Morning from 8am to 1pm.  How bout 46 mins ago when I told you that rebooting the gateway did nothing and there is no service light on, you schedule it then, dick for brains.  Then I still have 45 mins of my life back and don't have to know that Malcom has some sort of wheezing issue.  And a five hour window two days from now is a bunch of BULLSHIT!  If I would of hung up the phone and started studying the manual that the technician learned from, I could of fixed it myself by Friday morning. 

So after I get off phone, I found out from three other neighbors that their service is out too.  I also find out that there is a U-verse repair truck down the street at the fiber optic hub. 



Well, well, so I call back into UCS to ask them if this truck is working on something that could potentially fix my service as well and then I could cancel the Saturday appt.  Here is what they said, not shittin, can't make this shit up.  "Um, well sir, we have no way of knowing what the service technicians are working on in the field."  WHAT!  WHAT THE FUCK!?!  Are you serious!?!  Did you just say that?  Yes, you just said that.  Holy shit!  You are telling me that there are thousands of U-verse trucks just driving around aimlessly and no one knows where there are going or what they are doing?  For being one of the largest providers of communication on the fuckin planet you guys don't do a whole lot of it, do ya?

They don't have a fuckin clue, so I do it the old fashion way and walk down to the guy at the hub and simply ask him if what he is working on will probably fix my house as well.  He said yes and asked what house was mine and he would tell me when anything changes.  This was the nicest guy you could want to meet.  About an hour or so later, he can down to tell me I should have service again.  We checked and yes we do.  You are fuckin awesome random tech guy.  I asked him what gives with the UCS people and not having a fuckin clue as to what goes on in the field.  This is what he said.  "Those guys don't know their asses from holes in the wall."  Well put.  Coming from the guy who has to deal with these numbskulls everyday, I'd say he is probably spot on. 

So today I wake up and same thing happens, no service and no service light.  So I call first thing and tell them it is the same situation that happened two weeks ago and they need to see if it is a repeat problem.  The guy on the other end says, "Sir, do you know where your gateway is located in your home?"

OH KISS MY ASS!  Cause AT&T U-verse Customer Service is BULLSHIT!!!