4/20/2011

Glitter Cards

Glitter Cards are BULLSHIT!!!



Picture this, you come home from a hard day at work.  You walk down to the mailbox to pick up the mail, you look in and see some hand written addresses on the cards.  You think, that's nice grandma remember your daughter's birthday.  So you carry the mail back into the house and gather everyone around.  You tell her "Grandma sent you a birthday card, wasn't that nice?"  "Lets open it." 

BIG mistake, cause as soon as that envelope tears open....................

KA-FUCKIN-BOOM!!!



A fuckin glitter grenade explodes in your hand.  HOLY SHIT! Get down!  Glitter rains from the sky, as you race for cover.  It's getting harder to breath, but you stay down for a while cause you don't know if it's over.  Suddenly, the glitter clears from the air and after a minute or two of silence, people who heard the screams from down the block are walking up to see if your alright, but it's too late.



"Holy shit, what happened to them?" 
"They got a glitter card in the mail."
"Those poor bastards!"

Later you're in the shower trying to wash the shit off. 

It ain't happening, you'll be finding glitter on shit until her next birthday.  Fuck you glitter!  OK, maybe I exaggerated, but if you've ever opened a glitter card, you know that it's BULLSHIT!  I'd welcome getting Dan Rather's envelope full of Anthrax before I open another fuckin glitter card.  I'm not sure I am making my point, I FUCKING HATE GLITTER CARDS! 

To start with, how do they get so much fuckin glitter on one card?  Is there a quota on glitter for each card?  Did the boss at Hallmark walk in and say "That doesn't look like enough glitter on that card, it's not going to make a big enough mess.  Better add more."  Which leads me to my next question.  How come when the cards are on the shelf at the store you don't see glitter all over the floor of the card isle?  But when that fucker gets mailed to your house and you open it..............

















...it looks like Tinkerbell took a glitter shit on the hardwood floors. 

I'm gonna blame the post office.  I know that the glitter was all on the card when it left the store, but when it gets to my house in the mail, two-thirds of it is in the bottom of the envelope.  The post office has to have a machine that detects the glitter cards, kicks them out to a seperate area in the back, puts them in a machine that shakes the shit out of 'em, and then they mail them.  You sick bastards!

But they aren't the only assholes here.  What kind of cheap-ass glue are these card companies using to hold the glitter on with.  I thought Elmer's glue was the shittiest glue on the planet.  But somehow Hallmark tracked down Elmer's retarded cousin Lester and are buying glue from him or something.  I mean, this shit they use makes Elmer's glue look like fuckin liquified granite.

The worst part is that there is no fuckin warning.  When you get a card for ANYONE in the mail, you better check that shit out!  Cut a little slit in the side and peak in there, it's worth your time.  If not, you better know that shit is just waiting in the bottom of the envelope, like a fuckin glitter ninja, ready to come flying out and attack everything in sight.  Don't say I didn't tell you so when you spend the next 2 hours cleaning glitter off shit.  The bad part is that you can't sweep glitter up, you have to vacuum it, it's total bullshit!  You can sweep all fuckin day and you won't get it all.  You'll be walking through the house three weeks later and the light will hit just right and there it is........little specks of glitter all over everything.

So here's the deal card making assholes:  Either include a "Warning: Contains Glitter" sticker for the shipper to put on the envelope or include a coupon for 80% off a new vacuum, ya dicks!

Cause Glitter Cards are BULLSHIT!!!

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